Found this Poem

I found this poem on the WTE message boards. Someone had it in their signature. I just had to share it, and keep it here for me to look back at. It made me cry, but it made me happy inside, too.
---------
Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry.
'Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
And I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
And watch the sky at night:
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
Giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies.

CD5

Woohoo. AF is gone! We're throwing out the OPK's, but I'm still going to check CP and CM so that I'll know when I O. Otherwise, with the incredibly long and irregular cycles, I'll have no idea when I O, meaning I won't have a clue when AF is due, and therefore, won't know when to test.

(Jeezus. That was a mouth-full.)

DF and I have had a rough time the past couple weeks. We are both extremely stressed out, mostly because of some financial bumps in the road. We're plowing through, though, and hoping for a better January. We decided to just BD when we feel like it this month, hoping that by taking the timing out of it, and OPK's, and PRESSURE he must feel when I tell him it's time to BD, that maybe we'll have some luck. You know--without all the stress.

Eh. I hope it works.

CD2

Yep, that's right. AF came. Oh well. But, I found this, and it made me laugh:

HOW TO PEE ON A STICK 101

Step 1...Pee on the stick. (must be sure to hold it under urine stream for a heartbeat longer than recommended just to be sure).

Step 2...Stare at stick while you continue peeing. Feel heart jump when urine passes over the spot where the line would be and it hitches for a second, then gets a dark line...then keeps going, taking your dark line with it to the test window.

Step 3...Place on bathroom counter. Pretend not to stare at it. Let's try to give yourself busy work to keep from looking at it. In fact, your toilet now gets cleaned once per day.

Step 4...Tell yourself you are expecting a BFN. Then start to mist up when you see that it is, in fact, a BFN. Stare at the blank spot for a full minute before picking it up.

Step 5...First, go to window and check it under day light.

Step 6...Now, stand on toilet to be closer to light in ceiling. Check strip.

Step 7...Close one eye. Squint other eye.

Step 8...Turn on several lamps around house. Hold strip under lamp. Check strip.

Step 9...Hold strip OVER lamp. Check strip.

Step 10...Hold strip in front of lamp so light shines THROUGH strip, just in case.

Step 11...Pull stick apart. Hesitate for a heartbeat when you realize you are holding the still wet "wick" in one hand, then continue the destruction.

Step 12...Repeat Steps 5-10.

Step 13...Throw stick away.

Step 14...Pick stick back up out of trash.

Step 15...Repeat Steps 13 and 14 the rest of the day!

Mad at the world today.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I have cried twice this morning, and everyone is just making me mad. Every little thing is getting to me, and all I want to do is crawl in bed and stay there forever. I'm stressed out about everything. Money, TTC, work, EVERYTHING.

I can NOT seep back into my depressed, sad state. I can't do it. I am trying so hard not to. I know that if I do, I will screw everything up that is going good in my life--work, Scott, family, etc. That's what always happens. I get depressed and everything/everyone in my life suffers.

I can't even really get out into words what is going on in my brain. I just want to curl up in a blanket, and go back and forth between sleeping and crying myself to sleep. Why doesn't anything ever go smoothly for me?? Why couldn't I have been one of those people who can just carry their babies without any trouble? And why can't I just get a freakin BFP now?!

I'm 12dpo, and I'm sure that AF is coming any day now. I just know it.

I know it, and it pisses me off.

Maybe I should just give up on all this. Just give up, and allow myself to be everyone's favorite aunt, and nothing more. I want to scream.. oh, and throw things. At the wall, at the window, at people's heads... you name it, I want to throw something at it.

Sorry. I'll quite whining.

11dpo-Going nuts.

I'm holding out till Friday. But, GOOD GOD. It's killing me. I'm really frustrated too, I just have this "down" feeling that I'm not pregnant. (Probably because of my BFN yesterday at 10dpo.) I know that tons of girls don't get a BFP until 14dpo or after, but it's KILLING ME!

Here's an update, including yesterday's with additions:

10dpo
*BFN-EPT digital
*extreme hunger in AM--complete with nauseous feeling afterwards
*slight pains/cramps off and on, both sides, but mainly the R side... radiates to thighs & occasionally low back
*sharp pain that only lasted a couple minutes in L bb.
*got up twice to pee throughout night--and felt like I was "leaking" pee??? I dunno! LOL
*itchy, dry skin (I dont know if this is a symptom, but I was scratching my legs ALL night long.)

11dpo
*hunger in AM
*slight cramps-but NOTHING like they were yesterday
*runny nose
*creamy CM
*itchy/dry legs again. ??

UGH. I don't know.

10dpo

Tested this morning with an EPT Digital, BFN. I don't know what I was thinking using the digital, the sensitivity isn't nearly as good as most of the other kinds. BUT, anyway... on to tomorrow. I guess I'm going to go buy some $tree tests after work. I can't keep flushing my money down the drain, but I have to feed my POAS addiction. :)

Here's an update on my symptoms, including yesterday's again, because I added a couple things.

9dpo
*hunger in AM
*L bb tender
*gassy
*creamy CM
*invalid result--Equate brand
*very tired; went to bed early

10dpo
*BFN-EPT digital
*extreme hunger in AM--complete with nauseous feeling afterwards
*slight pains/cramps off and on, both sides, but mainly the R side... radiates to thighs & occasionally low back
*sharp pain that only lasted a couple minutes in L bb.

I am trying to hold out until Friday, which would be 13dpo. It's going to be so hard, though. I'm a freakin POAS addict.

9dpo

Well, I tested this morning with the last HPT I had, and it was an invalid result. Nothing at all showed in the result window, not even a negative line. The control line showed up. Oh well. Guess I'll test tomorrow morning again.

Here's an update on my symptoms:

6dpo
*slight cramping--middle & R side
*constipation
*heartburn, easily fixed with Tums
*bbs still swollen

7dpo
*m/s-MAYBE. Got sick, but not sure if m/s.
*bbs very swollen--had to buy a bigger bra!
*slight cramping
*creamy CM

8dpo
*not very much, except:
*a little tired
*creamy CM

9dpo (today, symptoms so far:)
*hunger in AM
*L bb tender
*gassy

I swear, if it turns out that AF is coming, and these symptoms mean nothing, I'm going to go crazy. I wish I wouldn't have used a HPT that yielded an invalid result on my FMU. Now, because I'm so early, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to test again. UGH!

I just know that come next weekend, AF will be here, and I will be certifiably crazy for imagining all of these symptoms. I'm going NUTS!

5dpo

Okay. I vowed not to let myself go crazy with IPS. But, to no avail, I'm certifiably crazy all over again. Well... I hope I'm NOT crazy, but you know what I mean. I've been logging my symptoms ever since I noticed the creamy CM, because that's something I've never experienced before. Here they are:

****O day (CD 22)
*fertile/EWCM
*Positive OPK
*BD PM
*During sleep this night, I had a weird dream that I was pregnant and bought three different tests (one was a $tree, one was a digital, and the other was something weird that my mind made up, I'm sure. I didn't recognize it.) and they were all instantly positive. I'm not really into the whole "intuition" thing, but, it was weird.

****1dpo
*Nothing

****2dpo
*reeeally creamy CM, all day
*slight coming & going cramps-R side

****3dpo
*LOTS of creamy CM
*R side cramps
*Constipation
*BD PM

****4dpo
*R side cramps
*creamy CM
*bbs "hot" and slightly tender
*unable to eat a full meal; was really hungry, but got full really fast.

****5dpo
*bbs "peeking" out top of bra
*slight tenderness in both bbs
*unable to eat full meal
*a lot of silent burping (...weird for me...)

I don't know what is going on. I just wish I was further past O so I could test.

I'm going nuts. Certifiably.

2dpo

Well, I'm 2dpo. I O'd on CD 22 this month, which was MUCH better than CD31 last month. I keep telling myself that 2dpo is WAY too soon to have ANY kind of symptoms, but when I went to the bathroom this morning, I noticed some creamy CM. (Sorry. TMI, I know.) Then, about mid-morning, I went to the bathroom again, and there was a LOT of it.

So, of course, I googled it. I have found very conflicting things about it. Some sites say that it's normal for some women after O, and others say it can be a sign of increased progesterone, indicating a rapidly developing ball of cells.

I am trying SO hard not to get my hopes up. But this is a new symptom for me. I've never had this before, not even with my first pregancy.

::shrugs:: Who knows?