Saturday, January 17, 2009

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. I'm pretty sure AF is here. Every month, its just another reminder that I'm having trouble having a baby. It's stressing me out... I'm unhappy, Scott's unhappy. I want a baby, but at this point, I don't know if I want to try anymore.

I'm so angry! We weren't even trying to get pregnant, and then I got the BFP. Then 12 days later, it was gone. Seriously, TWELVE DAYS?! I didn't even get a chance to REALLY know what being pregnant is all about. I just don't understand how some women can have a m/c, and get pregnant the very next month. And then some have to wait forever! And I kind of wonder if it's even worth it... hell, I'll probably just miscarry again. I feel like this is payback for something. I feel like this is nature's way of saying, SCREW YOU! I just wish I knew what I did in my 25 years that warranted losing a baby, and then not being able to get pregnant again!

I know, I know. That's not fair. I need to count my blessings instead of cursing nature for my problems. I just don't know why my life can't be even just a LITTLE BIT easier. Something's always going wrong... something's always happening. Every single day, I have a reason to be unhappy. If it's not one thing, its another. Or, lets talk about how DF hurt his shoulder last month. Then I ended up with a yeast infection. Then I got a chest cold. Then he got it. Then his starter went out in his car. Then I jammed my finger, and was barely able to type or play piano. (Mind you--I type at my full time job and teach piano lessons after work. My sources of income depend on my hands!) Now, today, I have the worst sinus headache possible, and I'm pretty sure AUNT FREAKING FLO is knocking on my door.

Can't I just be NORMAL? Someone told me once, "You always have something going on with you." She said it with a rude undertone... I got mad at the time, but you know what?? SHE'S RIGHT! I can't ever have a seemingly NORMAL day. Something is ALWAYS going on.

::sigh:: Yep. Thinking about throwing in the towel. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it anymore.


B MoM said...

Thank you sooooooooo much for sharing your favorite verse with me! That is now going to be one of my favorite verses too.

Are you sure AF is coming????? If she is, damn her that bi!&h. DO NOT THROW IN THE TOWEL. I wont let you. I know it is mentally challenging, it's spiritually frustrating and emotional turmoil, but we cannot give up. That's what the devil wants us to do. It's times like these that we need to stick together and root each other on. So, I'm rooting you on. You KNOW you can get pregnant, so you got that going for you. Some people dont even have a BFP and dont know if they can. The one thing we both got going for us is at least having a in my book....that's a step in the right direction. Keep on keeping on sista!

just me said...

Oh Cassie.....don't give up. I know so much how you are feeling. I am so frustrated, why would anyone have to go through one, two, three....more ? MCs? and others don't. i don't wish what we have gone thru on anyone.....but i wish for us, BFPs that stick and healthy healthy babies.....hang in there girl, i am right beside you! ((hugs))

JMar said...

Alright, isn't it always that way? One thing after another? That's how I feel too. But you can't let it control you. Your feelings today are probably d/t AF coming(remember that). Some days are better than others for me, I have to find something to occupy my mind with on the bad ones. AND remember that at least we were able to get pg to start with. It's funny how having that pg feeling-no matter what the time frame-can push the desire to have a baby in to overdrive. Just this morning, I had to pray and tell him and cry. I want things on my terms, not His. It doesn't work that way (not sure if you're a Believer-but that's the way it is for me) And it's not fair...but life isn't fair. It's hard, cruel, vengeful world we live in. What helps me get through hard times...remembering that some people have never experienced that joy-or know if they can, that there are many other people who have it much worse. We have our families, our husbands, and our angels. Talk to your angel when you're upset...let him know how much you miss him, how you look forward to meeting him, and remember that God has a plan for us. We will both get our healthy babies when the time is right, by Him.

Preoccupy your mind on your bad days. That's the only thing that keeps me sane. *And it helps we're remodling* ;-)

Keep your head up. Find one thing to be thankful for on your bad days and focus on that. I've been told that the stress of getting pregnant can prevent you from actually getting pregnant. Funny huh? Sucks actually. Maybe a break is what we could all use, then relaxation and baby! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Cassie - I'm sorry you're having trouble. I just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking of you. Maybe you should consider taking a little break? We did that after my 3rd miscarriage and it worked wonders for my sanity. And my husband's. We didn't chart, didn't OPK, didn't plan, didn't try. And it was really nice.
Good luck - Cyndi

Misty said...

I am a first time visitor. We just had our 4th baby, he lived 70 minutes, dying from a birth defect called Anencephaly.

I wanted to to encourage you to keep fighting the good fight. Your goal to become a mother and carry a child is a worthy and valiant goal! So many don't want children these days....

It took me about 1.5 years to get pregnant with my 3rd child. I understand the ups and downs and the exhaustion. Although my story is different then your own, my heart aches for you....

Thinking of you!
xo Misty

Natalia said...

I totally have all your feelings :( But I know we always have that glimmer of hope. Crap I even had some this month when they told me I was annovulatory! LOL So yeah..and about being misunderstood, I once had a friend post those little cartoons on facebook where you are tagged for who you are. Well, I was the little guy in the corner with a raining cloud over its head saying "the misunderstood". I want to say fu but I guess that's how we are sometimes. Just keep busy and lets hope for the best! GL!