I'm thinking.

I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. I'm pretty sure AF is here. Every month, its just another reminder that I'm having trouble having a baby. It's stressing me out... I'm unhappy, Scott's unhappy. I want a baby, but at this point, I don't know if I want to try anymore.

I'm so angry! We weren't even trying to get pregnant, and then I got the BFP. Then 12 days later, it was gone. Seriously, TWELVE DAYS?! I didn't even get a chance to REALLY know what being pregnant is all about. I just don't understand how some women can have a m/c, and get pregnant the very next month. And then some have to wait forever! And I kind of wonder if it's even worth it... hell, I'll probably just miscarry again. I feel like this is payback for something. I feel like this is nature's way of saying, SCREW YOU! I just wish I knew what I did in my 25 years that warranted losing a baby, and then not being able to get pregnant again!

I know, I know. That's not fair. I need to count my blessings instead of cursing nature for my problems. I just don't know why my life can't be even just a LITTLE BIT easier. Something's always going wrong... something's always happening. Every single day, I have a reason to be unhappy. If it's not one thing, its another. Or, lets talk about how DF hurt his shoulder last month. Then I ended up with a yeast infection. Then I got a chest cold. Then he got it. Then his starter went out in his car. Then I jammed my finger, and was barely able to type or play piano. (Mind you--I type at my full time job and teach piano lessons after work. My sources of income depend on my hands!) Now, today, I have the worst sinus headache possible, and I'm pretty sure AUNT FREAKING FLO is knocking on my door.

Can't I just be NORMAL? Someone told me once, "You always have something going on with you." She said it with a rude undertone... I got mad at the time, but you know what?? SHE'S RIGHT! I can't ever have a seemingly NORMAL day. Something is ALWAYS going on.

::sigh:: Yep. Thinking about throwing in the towel. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it anymore.

Sorry for my absence

We have had so many things going on at work, I am going absolutely and completely NUTS! AF was due on the 14th. She is a no-show. I still haven't tested... I'm waiting until the 18th, if she doesn't show before then.

I guess I would just rather see AF show than another BFN. I really didn't think I had a chance of catching the eggie this month... but maybe I was wrong? I dont know. I really dont want to get my hopes up, so I'm just waiting until the 18th. I'm standing my ground here. NO peeing on sticks until then.

You know, Aunt Flo is an ugly whore. I hate her. I really hope she doesn't screw me up this month; I'll be pretty pissed.

Anyway, sorry for the short post. I'll get back into my routine soon; I promise.

Found this Poem

I found this poem on the WTE message boards. Someone had it in their signature. I just had to share it, and keep it here for me to look back at. It made me cry, but it made me happy inside, too.
---------
Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry.
'Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
And I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
And watch the sky at night:
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
Giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies.

CD5

Woohoo. AF is gone! We're throwing out the OPK's, but I'm still going to check CP and CM so that I'll know when I O. Otherwise, with the incredibly long and irregular cycles, I'll have no idea when I O, meaning I won't have a clue when AF is due, and therefore, won't know when to test.

(Jeezus. That was a mouth-full.)

DF and I have had a rough time the past couple weeks. We are both extremely stressed out, mostly because of some financial bumps in the road. We're plowing through, though, and hoping for a better January. We decided to just BD when we feel like it this month, hoping that by taking the timing out of it, and OPK's, and PRESSURE he must feel when I tell him it's time to BD, that maybe we'll have some luck. You know--without all the stress.

Eh. I hope it works.

CD2

Yep, that's right. AF came. Oh well. But, I found this, and it made me laugh:

HOW TO PEE ON A STICK 101

Step 1...Pee on the stick. (must be sure to hold it under urine stream for a heartbeat longer than recommended just to be sure).

Step 2...Stare at stick while you continue peeing. Feel heart jump when urine passes over the spot where the line would be and it hitches for a second, then gets a dark line...then keeps going, taking your dark line with it to the test window.

Step 3...Place on bathroom counter. Pretend not to stare at it. Let's try to give yourself busy work to keep from looking at it. In fact, your toilet now gets cleaned once per day.

Step 4...Tell yourself you are expecting a BFN. Then start to mist up when you see that it is, in fact, a BFN. Stare at the blank spot for a full minute before picking it up.

Step 5...First, go to window and check it under day light.

Step 6...Now, stand on toilet to be closer to light in ceiling. Check strip.

Step 7...Close one eye. Squint other eye.

Step 8...Turn on several lamps around house. Hold strip under lamp. Check strip.

Step 9...Hold strip OVER lamp. Check strip.

Step 10...Hold strip in front of lamp so light shines THROUGH strip, just in case.

Step 11...Pull stick apart. Hesitate for a heartbeat when you realize you are holding the still wet "wick" in one hand, then continue the destruction.

Step 12...Repeat Steps 5-10.

Step 13...Throw stick away.

Step 14...Pick stick back up out of trash.

Step 15...Repeat Steps 13 and 14 the rest of the day!

Mad at the world today.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I have cried twice this morning, and everyone is just making me mad. Every little thing is getting to me, and all I want to do is crawl in bed and stay there forever. I'm stressed out about everything. Money, TTC, work, EVERYTHING.

I can NOT seep back into my depressed, sad state. I can't do it. I am trying so hard not to. I know that if I do, I will screw everything up that is going good in my life--work, Scott, family, etc. That's what always happens. I get depressed and everything/everyone in my life suffers.

I can't even really get out into words what is going on in my brain. I just want to curl up in a blanket, and go back and forth between sleeping and crying myself to sleep. Why doesn't anything ever go smoothly for me?? Why couldn't I have been one of those people who can just carry their babies without any trouble? And why can't I just get a freakin BFP now?!

I'm 12dpo, and I'm sure that AF is coming any day now. I just know it.

I know it, and it pisses me off.

Maybe I should just give up on all this. Just give up, and allow myself to be everyone's favorite aunt, and nothing more. I want to scream.. oh, and throw things. At the wall, at the window, at people's heads... you name it, I want to throw something at it.

Sorry. I'll quite whining.

11dpo-Going nuts.

I'm holding out till Friday. But, GOOD GOD. It's killing me. I'm really frustrated too, I just have this "down" feeling that I'm not pregnant. (Probably because of my BFN yesterday at 10dpo.) I know that tons of girls don't get a BFP until 14dpo or after, but it's KILLING ME!

Here's an update, including yesterday's with additions:

10dpo
*BFN-EPT digital
*extreme hunger in AM--complete with nauseous feeling afterwards
*slight pains/cramps off and on, both sides, but mainly the R side... radiates to thighs & occasionally low back
*sharp pain that only lasted a couple minutes in L bb.
*got up twice to pee throughout night--and felt like I was "leaking" pee??? I dunno! LOL
*itchy, dry skin (I dont know if this is a symptom, but I was scratching my legs ALL night long.)

11dpo
*hunger in AM
*slight cramps-but NOTHING like they were yesterday
*runny nose
*creamy CM
*itchy/dry legs again. ??

UGH. I don't know.